Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
