My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
