My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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