We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
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