break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
