my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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