I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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