Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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