Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
