I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
