Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
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