did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
