I swear god or herbie drove my car home
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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