Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
