Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
