Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Randomize
