I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
