end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i wish my penis had a tongue
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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