Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
