No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
