someone threw a dead crab at me
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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