they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
two words...techno handjob
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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