How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
