i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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