Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Randomize
