the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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