everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
