Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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