On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
