I faked an abortion last night.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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