I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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