and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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