I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
