Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Randomize
