i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
