naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
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He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
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I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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