I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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