Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
