Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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