So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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