that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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