last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
