lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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