as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
