My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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