Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
