1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
