Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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