Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
