R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
