oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
