i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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