i was born a porn star she said
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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