non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
