New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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