can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
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There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
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You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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