sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
